Hill Country Bible Church

What I am

Posted: Apr 03, 2011 by Katherine Speer

While writing this blog, I was sitting in class feeling like I should be more like the Energizer Bunny, more of a superhuman. I should possess a pinker hue (Actually probably not-if you know me, you know my face is pretty pink on its own). I should be more inclined to play a drum with my brand name written on it, though, right? I should be able to walk/or roller-blade. But then again, they already invented that with those weird Sketcher’s shoes. So I guess I'll just wear sunglasses whilst inside like Jack Nicholson, thereby subtly implying my coolness. With these supposedly super insightful things, I'd always feel organized, adventurous, responsible, etc.

Do you ever think about what you’re not..before you think about what you are?  I always think about how I should have more passions or how I should be able to do more things well or should have a better idea of what I want to do instead of thinking about all of those things I love to do. I think about how my future self should be, and that is not necessarily a bad thing; however, five second from now, I’ll be my future self, and by thinking about a year from now, I seem to have lost those five seconds. You know what I mean, right?

This feeling is called dissatisfaction. It’s called anxiety. Or it could be blame, sadness, loneliness or any variety of sad adjectives.

When I am in the limbo between stress and focus, I usually make lists of everything that needs to be done to make it through Friday: test, career fair, internship stuff, paper, project proposal….the list goes on. Then the next list starts. It never stops. But the weird thing is that I love making lists. They make me feel like I am in control (We will get to that later). Nothing in life ever stops when you want it to. You can’t pause life like in that movie with Adam Sandler or the good version of that idea, Clockstoppers.

While reminiscing for this blog post, I realized that this whole semester, I’ve been looking forward to a time where I would have everything figured out. In five years, I’ll think to myself, I’ll be certain of EVERYTHING. I’ll finally be an awesome, real adult that actually knows which colors to put with which colors. In five years.

Sometimes I walk around campus listening to music wishing that I could fully jam to freedom. Then I realize that this hypothetical wonderland will never exist because we will always be busy. Five years will pass...and five more will be in front of me. Yet, there will always be things to do. In the above instance, instead of jamming anyway, I just fall into the trap of worrying about the future. Maybe you have realized this, but if you stop being joyful every time you realize you have something to do, you will live a miserable life, and time will pass before you know it.

While growing up, I always daydreamed about living an adventurous life. I wanted to be like Peter Pan or Wendy when I was really young, and to this day, I wish Middle Earth existed. But I didn’t realize until recently how much I love structuring my life. It makes me feel weird to type it, but it’s true. I’ll never be able to live an adventurous life if I am too afraid of either making mistakes or too rigid in what I think I need to do (CONTROL).

I guess the bottom line is that I need to talk to God more. I need to ask Him what it is that I should do because I don’t always…scratch that….65%  of the time, I don’t know what is best for me. I need to ask him for peace, contentment and direction. Because according to the Bible, I am not supposed to live life a slave to fear of inadequacy or failure. And I really do believe that there is no such thing as failure if you go all out.

There are so many things to be and do in this world. It’s really pretty awesome when you think about it, and God knows about all them. And He’s right there…even when you don’t think about Him. And somehow, I feel all of these worries, fears and dilemmas should be alleviated because of that fact...you know?